Ah, the 2017 General Election, it’s been described as ‘the most important in my life time’. I mean, it was called that by the woman who called it and wants to be elected Prime Minister but, you know, it is probably actually quite important.
And I think we all know that. At least I hope we do. Seems like there’s more choice than before, when the parties all seemed like they were basically saying the same thing and their leaders basically looked like the same man at different stages of the aging process…
Still, it’s been a bit shit of late, hasn’t it? You know, the world? So in an effort to do the ‘there’s more that unites than divides us’ thing I thought I’d pen a hilarious post on the election’s hottest issues… But I couldn’t be bothered so I wrote this instead… bad dum bom cha!
No, but for serious, like: while it is no secret who I’ll be voting for on Thursday, this post hopefully has a wider, humorous appeal. So whether you’ve made up your mind before it all began or are still not sure who to vote, I’m sure you but needs a laugh.
*subliminally messages: ‘vote labour vote labour vote labour’ – you can’t see this but it is seeping into your psyche…
Nah but seriously, here are 6 things we’ve all thought about at some point during this campaign… haven’t we?
1. Something about Corbyn’s appearance
It will not surprise anyone who’s ever read my blog before will not be surprised to learn that I love me a bit of Corbs; what can I say? all that “funding schools and paying nurses a decent wage” shit but even I spent months longing to take him to a decent barber and sort that scruffy beard out.
Comedians up and down the country have been trying to come up with the best one liner to describe the just-not-quite-statesman-like feel of Corbyn’s appearance. My personal favourite comes in a Rants and Bants YouTube video which states “he looks like divorced geography teacher.” I mean the words nail and head come to mind!
And does anyone else feel a little swell of maternal pride when he turns up on telly with his tie done up properly nowadays? No? That one’s just me then…
2. Something about Theresa May’s shoes
There are various things you may have been thinking about Theresa May’s shoes during the election campaign:
‘Oooh, nice shoes…’
‘Her feet must be killing her in those, put on some flats dear!’
‘Isn’t it great that a woman can enjoy fashion and still be taken seriously in politics?’
‘They look expensive.’
‘Why is everyone always going on about her bloody shoes?’
On her scintillating, charming and not at all robot-human hybrid simulating One Show appearance, May herself even boasted that one young woman told her that her shoes “got me into politics”… I mean, really? Because, like, don’t get me started. I mean shoes got you into politics… I mean, who even are you? I can’t even…
That said, I do love a nice shoe…
I can’t help thinking, though, how someone who buys shoes like that so regularly, perhaps as a way to ‘treat herself’ can really get what it’s like to know be able to afford one decent pair of shoes for a job interview. I mean, Corbyn’s ‘divorced geography teacher’ look isn’t going to get him on the cover of American Vogue (still can’t quite believe that happened) but I like the idea of having a Prime Minister who sees Marks and Spencer as the posh place to buy a suit, rather than Saville Row as the normal place to but one… But I digress! What else have we been thinking…
3. Hold the phone: I’m in love with the co-leader of the Green Party!
This just in: the co-leader of the Greens is a silver fox.
Jonathan Bartley is eloquent and dashing, although I’m not gonna vote Green there was a moment there, staring into his beautiful, earnest eyes when I wavered. #JokingNotJoking
I mean, come on ladies/gents who are inclined that way… Amirite??
4. That whole ‘strong and stable’ thing was a mistake.
We live in the age of hashtags, memes and auto-tuned YouTube videos that turn awkward soundbites into catchy, humiliating ditties – now is not the time to say the same thing seventeen times in one interview/speech. I mean, your veins could run blue with Tory sentiment but surely we all agree on this one. A case in point:
5. ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!!!
“Well, I recognise the importance of (INSERT ISSUE HERE) and there are many causes of (INSERT PROBLEM HERE), but what we’ve said is we’ll look at (INSERT ISSUE HERE). But what’s important is that you can’t have the growth that supports (INSERT ISSUE HERE) with a strong and stable government and this election there is a choice…”
*screams into pillow*
It’s not just Theresa May, though during the last ‘debate’ she was particularly spectacular in her evasiveness so much that I tweeted this:
— Aileen Quinn (@aileenaquinn) June 2, 2017
And then there’s that remarkable, eviscerating ‘interview’ with May in the Plymouth Herald that says it all.
6. Something patriotic
Oh yeah, lefties have patriotic thoughts too! As an adopted Mancunian who grew up near Woolwich and travelled through London Bridge everyday for many years as a teenager, I’ve been pretty moved by recent horrific events. And I love my cities. And I love Britain – I frickin love it. If for nothing more than the genius hashtags that came about after each attack: if you want some top-drawer stoical humour just search #BritishThreatLevels, #ThingsThatLeaveBritainReeling or #IsisClaims.
#BritishThreatLevels SOMEONE used you favourite mug in work.
— Bunbury Publishing (@BunburyPublish) May 24, 2017
But yeah, we’ve all felt protective and angry and proud of our home I think. So that’s interesting and sort of comforting… In a weird way. #OneLove
So, is it just me… or were you thinking that stuff too?? Let me know in the comments section, start a lively debate on my Facebook page or tweet me @aileenaquinn. Oh and… REMEMBER TO VOTE!!!
P.S. If you’re as yet undecided in which case you might like to use this nifty tool to help choose.
P.P.S. *NB: or you could just vote Labour, all the cool kids are doing it.