Well, that’s it, despite my FOURTEEN suggestions of satisfying, Archers appropriate deaths for Rob Titchener that didn’t a) traumatise Henry or b) turn Helen into a stabby attempted-murderer, they’ve done both. Bloody BOTH. Not only this, but in the aftermath there has been literally nothing hopeful, apart from the odd magical appearance of Anna Tregoran (#TFITregoran). We’re all counting on you Anna!
Nope, instead of a nice, humiliating, satisfying end to Titchynob (as he’s affectionately known on Twitter) we have a horrible, bloody mess. And, frankly, more questions than answers. So here they are, or a few of them anyway, for the purposes of my own catharsis and your reading pleasure: 13 questions we’re all asking about The Archers.
1. Have the Borsetshire police force had any domestic violence training?
It turns out that P.C. Harrison Burns isn’t the only law enforcement officer in Ambridge. Unfortunately, it also turns out that all other police officers are heartless and feckless in equal measure. Handcuffs on a distressed, pregnant woman? Going in hard with the questioning? Trying to trip her up? Really?
And if Inspector Whatsherface doesn’t smell a rat with Rob’s “Helen’s gay for Kirsty and they’re all evil together” line, or the fact that he actually said “I couldn’t control her” then I for one will be turning up NWA’s ‘Fuck the Police’ very loud and shouting along to it daily until this whole thing is over. (sorry neighbours)
2. What’s Jazzer’s deal?We all know Ambridge’s resident Scot can be a contrary bugger, and stubborn to the hilt. But really? Joking about Helen ‘always being a bit odd’? And then acting like he doesn’t know why her brother would be upset? We expected better of you Jazzer, we really did.
3. Has Tony been a misogynist all these years and we’ve not known it?
Thank goodness for Bridge Farm’s expert criminologist, Tony Archer, who carefully explained to Tom that “a man like Rob” couldn’t have been abusive, and that women are “more complex”. Ergo, Helen’s hormones and crazy-genes made her do it. Poor thing.
I dunno, we gave women the vote and this is how they repay us.
4. Where’s Pat’s fire?
Now would be a good time to show some of that famous fiery feminist spirit, mate. Ursula may be a vicious sea witch but she’s on her child’s side and gunning for anyone who comes near him. Meanwhile Pat stands limply by whilst her only grandchild is taken back to the scene of the most traumatic event in his little life and effectively taken hostage. If I listen tomorrow and she hasn’t marched down there and bundled Henry into the car I am going to lose my shit.
5. Please can someone evict Rob from Blossom Hill Cottage?
Peggy, we’re looking at you. Pick a side woman. No not that side, the other one!
6. Is it okay to laugh about the stoma?
The other day, I tweeted that “the fact Rob has to poo in a bag is the only thing that got me through that episode of The Archers.” But then I was like, is that okay? Because I’d say 99.9% of people for have stomas aren’t lying, cheating, manipulative serial domestic-abuse perpetrators, and I don’t want any of them to feel like we’re laughing at them.
Handily, Rob’s stoma bag now has it’s own Twitter account, and between hilarious derogatory comments about the bag of shit this colostomy has found itself attached to, the account it also raising money and awareness for Colostomy Association.So maybe we could treat that like a swear jar, every time we make a poo-bag joke for light relief we put a pound in the pot?
7. Where is Ian???
Sulking when you thought your best friend had pulled that crappy ‘now I’m in a happy relationship I don’t give a crap about you anymore’ move was one thing. But now?? You’d think he might show up at Bridge Farm for a bit of moral support? Or have a conversation with Adam about it, in which they both reveal the extent of Rob’s bullying and homophobia?
Seriously, Ian, WTF??
8. Does Shula have amnesia?
She may have brushed the whole Rob punching a hunt-protester and smashing up his camera aside before the whole ‘stabbing incident’, but you’d think she might mention it now, wouldn’t you? If not to the police (who she lied to in her statement) then to someone? Probably Richard Locke, who she is definitely into… Boy, is are family dinners going to be awkward when him and Elizabeth start boinking. But I digress!
My only thought is that she’s had some sort of trauma-induced memory loss. Because in any other case she is being a total moron.
9. Where is Jess?
Apparently news of the bloody attack on ‘flood hero’ Rob Titchener by his ‘troubled’ wife has made the national newspapers, so has Jess heard the news? Because she is surely the defence’s key witness? Right?
I for one would be fine with Jess turning up at Blossom Hill Cottage unannounced, poking Rob in his stitches and then tell him to ‘fess up or else. Ideally, she’d also erect a podium on the village green from which she drops truth bombs on Ambridge’s unbelievers (*cough* Susan Carter *cough*).
10. Will Charlie Thomas return?How far north has the news travelled? Is Charlie the chivalrous gent he appears? Will he charge down to Ambridge and give a character statement about Rob and, perhaps, take a turn on Jess’s rostrum to tell all: Rob caused the flood, Rob fiddled the books, Rob threatened to publicly out me, Rob is in no uncertain terms an utter bastard. That ought to make us all feel a bit better!
11. Would any of this actually happen?
For Henry’s well-being you’d think they’d allow visits under supervision or something? And if he’s not allowed to speak to Helen at all would he really be allowed to return to the crime scene to sit on daddy’s knee and imbibe Ursula’s poison?
Would the defence lawyers not have advised Pat and Tony about this? And even if they hadn’t, if Pat really did believe Helen had been the victim of a level of domestic abuse so intense that she snapped and stabbed her husband, why would she so willingly let Henry spend time with Rob??????
This is the crux of the matter, isn’t it? We are starting to veer into distinctly ‘Eastenders’ territory. You know, outlandishly dramatic plot lines that drag on for years and culminate in a trial where almost every character is, at some point or another, threatened with contempt of court for an emotional outburst. “He’s lying, he never liked my scotch eggs!”
12. Is it just me, or is this harder to listen to than the abuse storyline??
I’m not the only thinking this right? I being just as disturbed/frustrated/angered by the post-stabbing as I was by all Rob’s a thousand nastinesses. Not because it’s worse, but because before I could imagine so many satisfying ends to the story. Whatever happens now, Henry will always have seen Helen stab Rob, Helen will always have stabbed Rob, and that’s just horrible.
There’s that and then there’s the fact that every time a conversation occurs about Helen (unless it’s between Kirsty and Tom) it makes me want throat punch half of Ambridge.
13. Is there any way out?
Not for Helen, of course we’re all wondering that, but I mean for us! Is there some sort of plot twist in which the matter could be quickly resolved? Helen pleas insanity and the next day Rob attacks Peggy Archer in the street (she had it coming), therefore showing his true colours? But Henry would still be traumatised. Arg!
How about ‘doing a Dallas’? Helen wakes up. She’s banged her head while in the playground with Henry. Rob Titchener is still just an unobtainable married man, whom she now finds repulsive.If only.
Got more questions? Add them to conversation in the comment section, on my facebook page, or tweet me here.
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