Well, we all really hate Rob Titchener, don’t we? The Rob and Helen saga has hit somewhat of a nerve among those who are used to tuning in to Radio 4 for 15 minutes of conversations about curtains for the church hall and the reassuring sound of lowing cattle.
We’re all sensible, grown-up people (sort of), and really we want to see justice served. Rob should be exposed and held to account, preferably with a good helping of public humiliation thrown in. I’d like to see (hear) him shoved forcefully into the back of a police car by Harrison Burns during some sort of village green shindig, just so the whole of Ambridge can get a good view… and maybe throw a few pastured eggs while they’re at it. (my money’s on Rob for the hen house arson, by the way, for no other reason than him being a complete dick).
But we don’t want a trial on the Archers do we? It isn’t Brookside for goodness sake. No, we either want that all to happen in the background, and then for Helen to happily announce that “Rob’s got a 40-year combined sentence” (for fraud, coersive control, rape, sabotage, assault etc) in a few months time. Or… Well, we’d like him to die. Wouldn’t we?
This certainly came across in the myriad of comments from you guys on my last blog post (thank you), including one from Louise Jones who called my list an “overwhelming case for a bullet to the head”. This was later echoed by both a Radio Times article pretty much begging for his untimely death and the emergence of a hashtag #RobTichenerMustDie on Twitter .
The thing is, we don’t really want our favourite characters to be turned into murders. If Rob does die I hope it’s in a ‘Disney villain’ sort of way – like falling off a cliff whilst attempting to push someone else off it, or something. But for the sake of fun and catharsis here are a few fittingly Archers-esque ends for Ambridge’s most vile resident.
So, while we wait for Kirsty to save the day, back by popular demand, here’s another #RobRage list – this time focussed on the future not the past and written with a little help from my Dear Readers…
1. Ferreted out
In a sweet moment of poetic justice snobby Rob is set upon by Joe Grundy’s ferrets. (I don’t know how this would kill a person but they could at least run him out of town, it would be hilarious)
2. Carol’s cup of tea
Having been left by Helen, but still believed to be an all-round-good-guy by half the village, Rob ‘bumps into’ Carol Tregoran just outside her house. Feigning sympathy, she invites him in for a ‘nice cup of tea’. He tries to refuse, but she uses her wiles, flattery and persuasion to tempt him in.
The tea is a little bitter, but Carol encourages Rob to drink it all up. As he sips the last mouthful she smiles and says, in a low voice “good boy”. Mwhahaha…
3. Ian’s Revenge
Where the bloody hell has Ian been since Christmas? We all thought he was sulking and abandoning Helen in her hour of need, but that’s what he wants Rob to think, he’s actually been planning the perfect murder. After a boozy dinner with Justin Elliott at Grey Gables(in which he undoubtedly further besmirched the name of Charlie Thomas), Rob ‘trips’ on the way to his car and falls into a ditch. Tragic.
Or maybe Carol has slipped Ian just the right ingredient?
4. Who shot Rob Titchener?
Out for spot of shooting, a gun goes off and gets Rob hit in a lethal yet slow-burning area (stomach? I dun not!) was it a tragic accident, or something more sinister? #HelenGetYourGun
5. A Scotch end
Helen leaves Rob, fleeing to Bridge Farm for refuge, where she FINALLY spills the beans on all that Rob’s done (including fiddling the books and calling Scotch eggs ‘peasant food’ – it’s an important detail!). Over-hearing this litany of abuse, Jazzer decides to take it into his own hands. He takes him to a remote barn and force feeds him Scotch eggs until his liver explodes. Organic fois gras anyone? It’s 100% ethical.
(Too far? Yeah I sensed that, I’ll reign it in).
6. Team Tomsty!
Kirsty and Tom finally talk to each other and confront Rob (in a wood shed for some reason), Rib tries to get physical but they overpower him and throw him in the woodchipper, with full sound effects. There’s nothing like concealing a murder to bring a couple back together!
7. Death by hunt #1
Okay, so there are two ways this could go. One is that whilst out on a fox-hunting jaunt Rob tragically falls from his horse, only to be mauled by the very dogs he has been setting on other “vermin” for years.
8. Death by hunt #2
Two, having been collectively duped by the Titchener, the residents of Ambridge decide to enact justice. Mounting their steeds, and with Helen at the forefront, they give the dogs Rob’s scent and chase him away through the countryside.
9. It’s a girl!
The scans were wrong, Rob doesn’t have a baby boy – it’s a girl! He is so shocked that his misogynistic little heart gives out on him then and there. Done!
10. Coming home to roost
When Rex and Toby work out that Rob was the one who set fire to their hen house (again, I’m basing this on one snide remark from Rob and the fact that he’s a nasty piece of work in general) they go round to have a ‘quiet word’ with him, torching the place while their at it.
11. Hell hath no fury like a Peggy scorned
Having taken her money, swindled her family, abused her grand daughter and attempted to pack her great grandson off to boarding school before the age of six, Peggy is so enraged she… Well, I’m not sure what she’d do but wouldn’t it be bloody marvelous if Peggy was involved in Rob’s downfall.
What Rob doesn’t know about Bridge Farm’s new bull is that he’s Otto’s only son, and he has returned to avenge his father’s hasty death. He’s biding his time, Rob, just you wait…
13. Ploughed down
Having been kicked out by a triumphant Helen (backed up by Kirsty and a non-body-snatched Pat), Rob gets drunk and wonders the fields, finally falling asleep amongst Berrow’s maize. Shame Ed’s out with the Combine Harvester the next morning… Oops.*
14. In a slurry
He falls into a slurry pit (probably whilst trying to stick a dead animal /forged paternity test down there or something). That is all.
Got any to add? Go on, leave a comment, you know you want to…
If you’re baying for Rob’s blood, do remember that there are lots of real Helens out there. And the horrible truth is that two women a week die at the hands of their partner or ex partner in the UK alone. Why not donate a fiver or more to this wonderful fundraising campaign for Refuge?
Thanks to the blog commenters who inspired a few of these; Louise, Kitty, Jill and Kathy.