14 satisfying, Archers-appropriate ends for Rob Titchener…

Well, we all really hate Rob Titchener, don’t we? The Rob and Helen saga  has hit somewhat of a nerve among those who are used to tuning in to Radio 4 for 15 minutes of conversations about curtains for the church hall and the reassuring sound of lowing cattle.

rob and helen.jpg

Helen and Rob: it’s not okay

We’re all sensible, grown-up people (sort of), and really we want to see justice served. Rob should be exposed and held to account, preferably with a good helping of public humiliation thrown in. I’d like to see (hear) him shoved forcefully into the back of a police car by Harrison Burns during some sort of village green shindig, just so the whole of Ambridge can get a good view… and maybe throw a few pastured eggs while they’re at it. (my money’s on Rob for the hen house arson, by the way, for no other reason than him being a complete dick).

But we don’t want a trial on the Archers do we? It isn’t Brookside for goodness sake. No, we either want that all to happen in the background, and then for Helen to happily announce that “Rob’s got a 40-year combined sentence” (for fraud, coersive control, rape, sabotage, assault etc) in a few months time. Or… Well, we’d like him to die. Wouldn’t we?

This certainly came across in the myriad of comments from you guys on my last blog post (thank you), including one from Louise Jones who called my list an “overwhelming case for a bullet to the head”. This was later echoed by both a Radio Times article pretty much begging for his untimely death and the emergence of a hashtag #RobTichenerMustDie on Twitter .

The thing is, we don’t really want our favourite characters to be turned into murders. If Rob does die I hope it’s in a ‘Disney villain’ sort of way – like falling off a cliff whilst attempting to push someone else off it, or something. But for the sake of fun and catharsis here are a few fittingly Archers-esque ends for Ambridge’s most vile resident.

So, while we wait for Kirsty to save the day, back by popular demand, here’s another #RobRage list – this time focussed on the future not the past and written with a little help from my Dear Readers…

1. Ferreted out

In a sweet moment of poetic justice snobby Rob is set upon by Joe Grundy’s ferrets. (I don’t know how this would kill a person but they could at least run him out of town, it would be hilarious)

2. Carol’s cup of tea


Mrs Tregoran, in the library, with the tea leaves.

Having been left by Helen, but still believed to be an all-round-good-guy by half the village, Rob ‘bumps into’ Carol Tregoran just outside her house. Feigning sympathy, she invites him in for a ‘nice cup of tea’. He tries to refuse, but she uses her wiles, flattery and persuasion to tempt him in.

The tea is a little bitter, but Carol encourages Rob to drink it all up. As he sips the last mouthful she smiles and says, in a low voice “good boy”. Mwhahaha…

3. Ian’s Revenge

Where the bloody hell has Ian been since Christmas? We all thought he was sulking and abandoning Helen in her hour of need, but that’s what he wants Rob to think, he’s actually been planning the perfect murder. After a boozy dinner with Justin Elliott at Grey Gables(in which he undoubtedly further besmirched the name of Charlie Thomas), Rob ‘trips’ on the way to his car and falls into a ditch. Tragic.

Or maybe Carol has slipped Ian just the right ingredient?

4. Who shot Rob Titchener?

Out for spot of shooting, a gun goes off and gets Rob hit in a lethal yet slow-burning area (stomach? I dun not!) was it a tragic accident, or something more sinister? #HelenGetYourGun

5. A Scotch end

archers scotch egg

Peasant food, or instrument of torture?

Helen leaves Rob, fleeing to Bridge Farm for refuge, where she FINALLY spills the beans on all that Rob’s done (including fiddling the books and calling Scotch eggs ‘peasant food’ – it’s an important detail!). Over-hearing this litany of abuse, Jazzer decides to take it into his own hands. He takes him to a remote barn and force feeds him Scotch eggs until his liver explodes. Organic fois gras anyone? It’s 100% ethical.

(Too far? Yeah I sensed that, I’ll reign it in).

6. Team Tomsty!

Kirsty and Tom finally talk to each other and confront Rob (in a wood shed for some reason), Rib tries to get physical but they overpower him and throw him in the woodchipper, with full sound effects. There’s nothing like concealing a murder to bring a couple back together!

7. Death by hunt #1

rob fox-hunting_2772078b

Okay, so there are two ways this could go. One is that whilst out on a fox-hunting jaunt Rob tragically falls from his horse, only to be mauled by the very dogs he has been setting on other “vermin” for years.

8. Death by hunt #2

Two, having been collectively duped by the Titchener, the residents of Ambridge decide to enact justice. Mounting their steeds, and with Helen at the forefront, they give the dogs Rob’s scent and chase him away through the countryside.

9. It’s a girl!

it's a girl

The scans were wrong, Rob doesn’t have a baby boy – it’s a girl! He is so shocked that his misogynistic little heart gives out on him then and there. Done!

10. Coming home to roost

When Rex and Toby work out that Rob was the one who set fire to their hen house (again, I’m basing this on one snide remark from Rob and the fact that he’s a nasty piece of work in general) they go round to have a ‘quiet word’ with him, torching the place while their at it.

11. Hell hath no fury like a Peggy scorned

Having taken her money, swindled her family, abused her grand daughter and attempted to pack her great grandson off to boarding school before the age of six, Peggy is so enraged she… Well, I’m not sure what she’d do but wouldn’t it be bloody marvelous if Peggy was involved in Rob’s downfall.

12. Charge! 


I’m coming for ya, Titchener.

What Rob doesn’t know about Bridge Farm’s new bull is that he’s Otto’s only son, and he has returned to avenge his father’s hasty death. He’s biding his time, Rob, just you wait…

13. Ploughed down

Having been kicked out by a triumphant Helen (backed up by Kirsty and a non-body-snatched Pat), Rob gets drunk and wonders the fields, finally falling asleep amongst Berrow’s maize. Shame Ed’s out with the Combine Harvester the next morning… Oops.*

14. In a slurry

He falls into a slurry pit (probably whilst trying to stick a dead animal /forged paternity test down there or something). That is all.

Got any to add? Go on, leave a comment, you know you want to…

If you’re baying for Rob’s blood, do remember that there are lots of real Helens out there. And the horrible truth is that two women a week die at the hands of their partner or ex partner in the UK alone. Why not donate a fiver or more to this wonderful fundraising campaign for Refuge?


Thanks to the blog commenters who inspired a few of these; Louise, Kitty, Jill and Kathy.



28 thoughts on “14 satisfying, Archers-appropriate ends for Rob Titchener…

  1. Ok. I’ll have a go. It might make me feel better – so . . .
    no 15. You can only push a boy so far.

    Henry, full of hatred and anger, decides to set a trap in case they try to send him to school in the night. He litters his floor with toys. Rob, coming in in the dark with more whispers of ‘your vile lying mother’, steps on the lego, hopping sideways skids on a truck, launches forward to crash into the window and impales himself on the broken glass.

    Too gory? I don’t think so . . .

  2. Lynda invites him into the shepherds hut, the door sticks shut and he’s overcome by carbon monoxide from the faulty wood burner. Not sure about the science bit.

  3. Is it time for a “long-pig” roast on the green? I’m sure Ian and Tom between them know enough about producing the perfect spit-roast for the next village celebration – and the evidence is destroyed (including by PC Carpet Burns who likes a nice pork sandwich)

  4. I’d always fancied Charlie returning to exact his long delayed revenge, heaving Rob head-first into the anaerobic digester. As Rob sinks to the bottom, he bumps into the remains of Stephan. Opps.

  5. The Fairbrothers and Tom hatch (pun. Intended) a monstrous plot to ensure Rob eats a pastured egg (infected with a deadly strain of salmonella)
    Rob has to suffer lots of invasive tests, isolation and an old-school Matron who calls him darling and tells him to ‘stop fussing and be a good boy’ every time she injects him with a very large needle. In spite of his every moment being watched, his privacy invaded and his dignity removed, the suffering continues until he breathes his last having just heard the news that Helen had given birth (in hospital) to a little girl who she’s named Kylie

  6. If a second go is allowed, Charlie, this one is for you! *** His mind deranged by Helen threatening to end his reign of domestic terror, Rob decides to run for it, taking Henry as a hostage. Hotly pursued by the crack Ambridge crime squad comprising PC Burns and – um – well just PC Burns…Rob is finally cornered in the charred remains of the Fairbrothers’ hen-house. Tasered by our heroic policeman (and cheered on loudly by Pat and Fallon), Rob is then given rough justice by Kirsty and Tom. Rediscovering their love in their mutual hatred of Rob, they set to their task with relish, pelting Rob with over-cooked organic sausages and the hardest black pudding Scotch Eggs known to Borsetshire. Under such a meaty onslaught, Rob confesses to his many misdeeds, and Kirsty and Tom are carried in triumph to the Bull for a song and a pint from Wayne and Jolene. *** The End.

  7. I think the writers are heading for something altogether more 80s exploitation horror… Who’s noticed the arrival of spooky Dorothy? Young Daniel is ‘just good friends’ with Dorothy – read that how you will – but the new ‘girlfriend’ doesn’t drink, quotes the bible copiously, and insists not only on separate beds, but separate bedrooms… clearly a morally avenging axe murderer!!! I mean, peeps, how many clues do you need?!?!?
    So what happens is that after a tearful heart to heart with Shula, Dorothy decides that she will consummate her relationship with Daniel after all…. but overwhelmed with guilt and Carrie like torment, an axe and decapitation will act in stead of the sexual act.
    HOWEVER unbeknownst to Dorothy, Daniel gets cold feet – after a drunken evening with cuckolded Ian at the bar at Grey Gables – and ends up in the polytunnel, admiring Ian’s bulbs.
    MEANWHILE, on the run from Harrison (who has been called in by Kirsty) Rob climbs in through Shula’s back upstairs window to find a hiding place… and sneaks under the covers of Daniel’s empty bed, just as Dorothy comes in to vent her conflicted soul, her axe glinting in the moonlight….
    Let’s just say that what happens next DEFINITELY isn’t Kansas.

  8. I’ve decided that a maddened Rob partially recovers but exacts a terrible revenge on Helen. In return for dropping the charges against her he says he will never divorce her and that she and Henry are chained to him — and his stomach bag — for ever.

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