28 times we hated Rob Titchener a little bit more…

rob evil

Public Service Announcement: This man is the actual worst**

Is The Archers sending anyone else into a borderline-panic-attack state recently? Seriously, this shit should come with a trigger warning.

In fact, trigger warning. This post contains reference to eating disorders and domestic and sexual abuse. Sigh.

Catching up on Friday’s episode of The Archers, I was physically shaking. The Rob and Helen storyline is car-crash radio at it’s best/worst. It just gets more and more disturbing, yet I can’t look away. Actually, I might have to, it’s not good for my mental health.

So, in order to excise some of this trauma, I thought I’d share my anger/grief/fear with y’all. I’ve been on Twitter, so I know I’m not the only one with #RobRage. Please enjoy this rant/romp through some of the highlights of Rob Titchener’s most hateful moments. (put the kettle on and settle in, we’ll be here for a while).

NB. My time line may be a bit murky, the rage has addled my brain.

1. The time he was a cheat

rob and wives

It was all pretty run of the mill stuff at first, Lothario lover seduces lonely single-mum into a forbidden romance. Nothing we haven’t seen before (yes, Brian Alridge, I’m talking about you). But then he left his wife and shacked up with Helen and they all lived happily ever after… Oh, wait.

Does anyone else have the feeling that Rob identified Helen as a more malleable, vulnerable candidate for ‘marital bliss’?

2. The time he flooded Ambridge (and got away with it)

Okay, maybe not single handedly, but we all know it’s true. Rob blocked some drain or something (I don’t know the science) to stop Berrow Farm being flooded, which means the whole of Ambridge got flooded a whole lot worse.

So, basically, Rob killed Freda Fry. Yes, that’s right, I said it.

And, incidentally, the only witness disappeared. Interesting.


R.I.P. Freda Fry


3. The time he was a cheat again

Jess turns up at Helen’s door saying she and Rob had a night of passion. Rob makes out that Jess is unhinged, blames her for their marriage’s break up… Hmm, could this be a precursor to something?

4. The time he fiddled the books (and got away with it)

Charlie Thomas picks up on some irregularities, Rob gets arsey and resigns. No smoke without fire, Titchener.

rob cowa

Creaming a bit off the top, that’s what dairy’s all about, right?


5. The time he got away with cheating, too

Does anyone else think he somehow fiddled that paternity test? I wouldn’t put it past him. Whatever, he defo did the nasty with Jess while he was with Helen. 100%

6. The time he gave Helen a ‘makeover’

This one is hard to pin down, all we know is that a series of ‘innocent’ comments have left gorgeous Helen dressing in high-necked maroon dresses and doing her hair like a 50’s school mam. All the while she meekly acquiesces and we scream ‘you’re gorgeous Helen, dress how you want!’

helen beautiful

Beautiful Helen. Sigh.


7. The time(s) he said ‘good girl’

Rob and Helen

Arg. Bleurgh etc. Every time he subtly bends Helen to his will he seems to finish it off by saying “Good girl.”

Excuse me while I vomit.

8. The time he got Helen into hunting

Staunch, anti-hunt activist Helen was somehow guilt-tripped into believing she was being judgemental and unfair. Off she goes on a ‘not-a-real-hunt’, only to see a fox caught by dogs all the same. But does she put her foot down? Of course she doesn’t. She’s under his spell by now.

9. The time he got Henry into hunting

It wasn’t enough to twist Helen’s arm, Rob starts getting Henry involved. In fact, this whole “why don’t we ask Henry” tactic is working out again and again for Rob – a great way to overrule Helen whilst looking like the good-guy.

Oh. the. rage.

rob fox-hunting_2772078b

Totally age appropriate stuff for a five-year-old


10. The time he punched a protestor (and got away with it)

So there’s a guy monitoring the hunt with his camera, making sure they are, you know, not actually hunting foxes, and Rob attacks him. Then, somehow, through his pressurising ways, gets Shula to testify that he wasn’t at fault.

Is anyone else still waiting for Shula to mention this to another human being??? Come on Shula, we need you!

11. The time he made the Ambridge farm shop into ikea-for-organic-food #bland

It’s a testament to Rob’s powers of persuasion that he got the entire Archers clan on-board with his plans to make the shop a bland, soulless, white-washed nonsense.

I mean, it’s not much in the Rob scheme of things, but still.

12. The time when…

Then there was that time, the time when it all got horribly serious, you know which one I mean. Helen had insisted she didn’t want another child until the shop was up and running, and then there was that episode when they got ‘a bit tipsy’ and he said nice, loving things and then he, well, he raped her didn’t he? I mean there’s no other way to say it.

I have no humour to offer on number 12, you’ll be glad to hear.

13. The time he won Pat over

We were all rooting for Pat ‘down-with-the-patriarchy’ Archer to catch on to Rob’s misogynistic ways. And there was a moment there when we really thought she would. But then, just when Helen needed her sharp-minded mother most, she’s won over. *weeps into keyboard*

Patricia archer

Oh Pat, we expected more from you…


14. The time he was a homophobe

Having being called out by Adam for cheating at cricket, he proceeded to tell him to leave it to the “real men”. Dick.

archers cricket

Homophobia: It’s just not cricket.


15. The time he dissed the Grundys

Not wanting Henry to associate with Ed and Emma’s kids?? They may not have much, Rob Titchener, but the Grundys have more heart and soul in their little fingers than you have in you entire being – so there!

You get the feeling Rob and Katie Hopkins would get on well. Which says it all really.

ed and emma

Ed and Emma: They are the best.


16. The time he was a homophobe, again

If Charlie Thomas isn’t going to give him a good reference, he’ll reveal his ‘dirty little secret’.

Sorry, Rob, the 1950s called, they want their backwards ideology back.

17. The time he tried to wreck a wedding

Rob Tichener’s forte seems to be for making ‘off the cuff’ remarks that fuck everything up. He’s not the bad guy, he thought you already knew your partner had cheated on you several times. Didn’t you?

Then he turns up at the wedding to watch it crash and burn. But it doesn’t. IN YOUR FACE ROB!

archers charlie

Charlie Thomas: We see the appeal.


18. The time he turned Ian against Helen

Well, this was basically the same time.

Is anyone else angry with Ian for not marching over a telling Helen what an utter knob Rob is and that she’s better off without him? Have you not noticed your best friend’s turning into a shadow of her former self?

19. The time he called Scotch eggs ‘peasant food’

What a dick.

archers scotch egg

Okay, the do look pretty rank close up, but still…

20. The time he started in on Henry

Okay, this is where my wit starts to falter again. Because, slowly but surely, Rob is driving a wedge between Henry and his mother. And that is not ok. It’s NOT OKAY!

And he got a legal guardianship thingy. We do not like this development.

*deep breaths*


21. The time he insulted Bridge Farm produce, again

Okay, you might be a tyrannical, abusive husband who willingly manipulates everyone around you, but no one insults Tom Archer’s sausages!

Archers tom

He may have left the lovely Kirsty at the alter and run away to Canada, but, by George, this boy knows his pigs!


22. The time we knew he hated Kirsty

Kirsty knows Helen, and Kirsty knows Rob. She knows. SHE KNOWS PEOPLE! We’re all rooting for her.


23. The time he used just the right verbs…

“You’re really filling out”, “you’re blooming”. Oops, he bought a size too big, oops he bought a size too small.

This nasty piece of work knows just how to provoke an eating disorder relapse.


24. The time(s) he blamed it all on Helen

Somehow, it’s all her fault. Her mental health difficulties, Henry’s behaviour, their financial situation, even him hitting her; it’s her fault. She’s a mess, she’s falling apart, what will become of them?

God, I want to throat punch this man. Several times.


It’s not your fault. #JustSaying


25. The time he got his mum involved

Was anyone else lulled into a false sense of security for a few days? For a minute there I thought his mum might actually be a nice person. Oh how wrong I was. Her name is Ursula for fuck sake, how did I not see this coming?

We hate her too, don’t we?

Just piss of back to your own bloody farm, you sea witch.

Rob's mum

Rob’s mum.


26. The time when he secretly planned prep school

Surely, if he goes ahead with this plan, someone in Ambridge will say something?? Pat and Tony won’t let them ship Henry off to boarding school at the age of 6, will they?????


27. The time he pathologised Helen

So, everyone now thinks Helen is mad. And she probably is a bit. As someone who is vulnerable to the odd mental health episode myself, I can’t imagine how I’d cope with this kind of corrosive abuse.

Our only hope is that a psychiatrist might pick up on the signs that EVERY FUCKER ELSE has missed. Except Kirsty. #TeamKirstyForLife


28. The time we realised he was, sort of, real…

Helen titchener fund

Okay so Rob and Helen aren’t real, they are characters played by actors (one of whom has been hounded off social media by abuse, poor man). But they sort of are. This story line shows how anyone – however empowered or educated – can become a victim of debilitating domestic abuse, and how from the outside a partner can seem like a hero when they are, in fact, the villain of the piece.

Sorry to do the ole switcheroo on you, Dear Reader, but it’s true. As much as we all may have enjoyed shouting at the radio for a while, the creeping ‘ick’ feeling has mounted into something deeper.

Paul Trueman, an Archers fan and all-round good person set up a Just Giving page to illustrate just this – that there are plenty of real Helens out there who need our help. So if you’ve relished the rage in this post, how about popping along and giving a fiver to Refuge? The amazing, heart-warming news in all this is that Archers fans have already donated a hefty £65,575. But we can get to £100k, can’t we? For Helen.

What have I missed? Tell me your most infuriating Rob moments in the comments section below, or on Facebook and Twitter!


*If you have never listened to The Archers then a) congrats on not reaching premature middle age and b) sozzers, this post will make literally no sense, but tbh it’s mostly for personal catharsis any way.

** This actual man is not the worst, he’s an actor who is getting a very hard time for doing a staggeringly excellent job at play a monster. Well done Timothy Watson!


217 thoughts on “28 times we hated Rob Titchener a little bit more…

  1. Fantastic blog, saying it all. But one thing I missed – perhaps I missed it – sorry if it is there but didn’t Rob have something to do with Tom disappearing and jilting Kirstie. I seem to remember Rob was around where he shouldn’t have been at that time. Do tell me if I am wrong.

    • And he tried to persuade Jonny to take courses that wouldn’t play to his strengths. And he told the sea witch that Pat and Tony wouldn’t offer to help with anything. I am also struggling to keep listening – but am hoping against hope that during the next episode someone will expose him for what he is – Carol also seems to have got an inkling that something is not right… Come on Carol and Kirsty – pleeeeease…

      • Well, Carol is Ambridge’s white witch, so hopefully she will be able to brew a potion and slip it into a barrel of Shires so that the whole village will finally wake up from the evil spell that Rob has cast on them!

      • He was never actually taken on at the shop ..he stepped into Helens job .So no sick pay should have been paid to I’m at all !!

  2. Didn’t he cancel his mother’s visit early on in his and Helen’s relationship when Helen had gone to a lot of trouble to make a nice meal (I may have some details wrong)? Weird that she then turns up and is such a staunch ally.

    • I’m not sure if he cancelled his mother coming or she just didn’t turn up. He was all upset and Helen felt sorry for him. Which makes me wonder why she suddenly arrives at their house.

      Does anyone else think the ‘Sea Witch’ sounds very much like Jill. They both have the same accents on their words !!!! I find it most distracting.

    • Rob’s relationship with his mother seems to be very complex. He obviously has a lot of unresolved issues with his parents. I don’t think he necessarily regards her as a straightforward ally. Ursula’s presence would appear to indicate that a lot of Rob’s neuroses are based in his childhood – he’s spent the last few weeks effectively screaming “Mummy, love me – I’m better than Miles”.

  3. So delighted to have find your blog via this post. Also – this post and the comments is exactly the place to come after listening to the podcast when I’m left growling out loud to myself with noone to share my outrage with (I’m a brit living in Canada you see – so I’m not about to start explaining that I listen to a rural soap opera and then get into it with my coworkers…).

  4. I know they said this was going to be a slow burner, but I can’t stand it for much longer! And, what the hell has happened to Ian? Have I missed something? I know Helen pissed him off, but he was another big Rob hater, and I’m sure he wouldn’t have abandoned her like this! Maybe he will come back on the scene soon. Here’s hoping!
    Oh, and has anyone else thought that the scan might have been wrong and it is in fact a girl?! It does happen. That might just tip Rob over the edge!!!!

  5. Ooh, and there was the time he hid the cheque book when he booked her a taxi and then said it was in the drawer all along!
    Does her midwife/obstetrician know about her plans for a home birth yet? A lot of things are not ringing true from a professional point of view. I know it’s not real, but I assume they’ve got people researching this storyline. The birthchat with the midwife should be interesting! Ooh, wouldn’t it be interesting if when she has her next scan it’s breech! Ooh the possibilities are endless. I keep running over possible storylines in my head!

    • I am really hoping it’s a girl. This will cause a real shock to Rob. I’d love to hear what he would say to that. Pity we can’t see his face although I have my own impressions of him. ha ha

  6. Your blog is exactly right. Thanks. The other instances that people mention too. But am I the only one who feels that maybe the ghastly Rob is drugging her to make her unable to stand up to him? Is that why she dislikes eating food he has prepared? Not so much that she realises but that she feels awful after eating. Could this cause the baby to be born disabled? What would the ramifications of that be? (And of course Helen would believe it was her fault.)

  7. Great site! I agree with those who’ve said you need somewhere to let all this out!

    But what about telling a little boy at bedtime that his Mum shouldn’t be a liar?! That was one that made me feel sick.

    Or telling his Mum that she was standing over him muttering abuse??

    It has to stop soon. This isn’t dramatic tension, it’s punishment.

  8. He drugged Helen when he raped her, didn’t he? Kept encouraging her to finish her drink. And I wonder if he’s setting up a long term thing where he gets ‘guardianship’ of Henry, and is the birth father of the second child, and then takes legal steps to take them away from Helen, saying she’s not a fit mother? That would completely destroy her. And he’s going round telling everyone how ‘unwell’ she is etc…..But I too am surprised at Pat. I suspect the writing of that is to show just how persuasive these evil men are; and how manipulative.

  9. But the real question is: Why?
    I think that’s unanswerable, so I’ve been thinking Munchausen syndrome by proxy for quite a while now.

    • Yes – he insisted they have a joint account for that. And he’s trying to run Bridge Farm – probably wants to ease out Tom and well as Johnny (he got cross at the suggestion that Johnny should work on the farm long-term). He won’t take another job and thinks he has his feet firmly under the Bridge Farm table…forever.

  10. I’m wondering whether there are still any drugs that might have a similar effect to thalidomide. It was used against morning sickness and also as an anti-depressant, apparently over the awful period fifty years ago. Of course Rob and his mother think the baby will be perfect; after all he’s “their” kid.
    At least Helen has now admitted to Kirsty that Rob hit her although making Kirsty promise not to tell anyone. Kirsty, you have got to talk to Tom! Just make him promise to find out what’s wrong. Lucky old Jess, that’s all I can say.

  11. You’ve written a brilliant article and the comments are just as good!

    I’d add Rob’s devious use of verbal tricks to infantilise and demean Helen. The addition of ‘Good girl’ to the end of every ‘instruction’ as he bends her to his will makes my toes curl. Does he pat her on the top of the head at the same time?

    Oh and just recently wasn’t he making unwanted sexual advances when they were in bed together (no doubt with Ursula with her ear pressed to the bedroom door). Was there further coercive sexual abuse that night? Helen certainly looked terrible the next day.

    Anyway, full marks to the script-writers and actors; I have listened to the Archers for years, and I applaud the realistic portrayal of domestic violence.

  12. When is Jess coming back into it with his ‘bastard’. What about a cash crisis we haven t heard anything about Helen discovering the money doesn’t go to her account yet. I just want him to get justice in a way that makes up for this excruciating episode. Come on Richard Kirsty Tom and Carol. Your our best hope right now.

  13. The surprise (to the bride) secret wedding made me wonder at the time whether Rob’s divorce from Jess had not been finalised. But … what if he cannot actually divorce Jess because he wasn’t actually married to her? What does Jess think the legal situation is? Was there a court hearing? Was the marriage to Jess bigamous? Is the marriage to Helen trigamous?

    Why is Rob’s brother not in tune with Rob and Ursula? Does he know something they’d rather keep secret? Or does he just find them as odious as we do? Timothy Watson is terrific in the part. Good thing it’s radio, not TV, or I wouldn’t give much for his chances of walking down any high street in one piece!

    Good old Kirsty; good move that phone call.

  14. A top post. There was that time when he challenged Ian to a bike race, then spewed horrid homophobic bile when they were out of sight (if I’ve remembered correctly, I tend to conflate Rob storylines these days) Also, all the macho post-cricket/stag night drinking. Odious character!

  15. Brilliant blog thank you so much – just came across it after istening to this weeks omnibus & screaming at the PC. Think everyone above has said all the things that I have been thinking. This is such a slow burner compared to something like East Enders, but so much more real for that. Kirsty is going to have to get over her dislike of Tom so that she can get him on board – I am sure he is not a fan of Rob. Then lets hope they bump into Carol in tea room along with Richard Locke whose memory is sufficiently jogged……Nail biting stuff

  16. Anyone else think he murdered the Polish dairy worker who witnessed him blocking the drain at Berrow Farm? He disapered soon after, Rob wouldn’t give Charlie his home contact details. I keep waiting for the body to be found!

  17. The question about Tom disappearing has reminded me: a friend pointed out some time ago that Rob kindly found Tom the job in Canada. Sponging off the Archers whilst undermining their business ethic …

    Someone close to me was in a not dissimilar situation. We didn’t know for years because they had moved house hundreds of miles away, She was ill and disabled so in a similarly dependent situation. It went on for years – so the script is more realistic for being long drawn out, in my opinion.

  18. I’ve put together photos of Rob Titchener and George Osborne. Spookily similar. I don’t know whether I can upload the pdf I’ve made.

      • Here are the photos of Rob Titchener and George Osborne.  I have put them on my Facebook page but I don’t do Twitter.

        Hope you can use these images! Best wishesJudith

        WordPress.com (mal)Contented Mother commented: “That sounds hilarious! If you share them in Twitter I’ll retweet? Or if you wanted to stick them in an email Id be happy to put the image on my site?” | | Respond to this comment by replying above this line |

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        | | | (mal)Contented Mother commented on 28 times we hated Rob Titchener a little bit more…. in response to Judith Christine: I’ve put together photos of Rob Titchener and George Osborne. Spookily similar. I don’t know whether I can upload the pdf I’ve made. That sounds hilarious! If you share them in Twitter I’ll retweet? Or if you wanted to stick them in an email Id be happy to put the image on my site? | Reply |    Comments |



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      • I’ve tried to email photos but it may not have worked so then I tried to send links to photos.

  19. Pingback: 14 satisfying, Archers-appropriate ends for Rob Titchener… | The (mal)Contented Mother

  20. Emmell, i wish you well. He’s also my ex! I think this storyline has been interesting and informative – but it has gone on for too long. Shakespeare can show the whole story of a tragedy in under 4 hours, after all. At some points it has helped me to see some aspects of my previous relationship even more clearly – and it ended 30years ago! But now I just feel sick and I find it very exploitative. You can’t do torture in ‘real time’ format.

    • Thank you Norma. I hope you have recovered your sense of self, too. I know my sons were glad to have ‘me’ back! I think there is some use in it going on for this length of time, even though it’s painful, especially for people like us, to listen to. I think it may give other people some idea of how insidious and creeping this form of abuse is. These men appear to be wonderful, generous, kind and very caring to the rest of the world, but it’s only when you are fully ensnared that you realise the full horror. Hopefully, this won’t go on for too much longer, now that Helen is beginning to stand up for herself again (although given Rob’s past behaviour, I think that standing up to him isn’t too realistic, especially whilst they are living under the same roof). Best wishes for the future, Norma 🙂

    • I do hope everyone who has suffered from exploitation is recovering. I heard Louiza Patikas say that she is trying to do justice to the people who have actually suffered in that way because she feels responsibilty towards them. I almost find myself saying a prayer for her – and then remember she’s not real, but there are real “Helen’s” to pray for. Must not miss tonight’s programme. What is she going to find on Rob’s phone?

  21. Pingback: March in Review | Girl with her Head in a Book

  22. I’ve a feeling there is something fishy anout the fact that older bro Miles still lives at home with Ursula & ? (Daddy) and didn’t Rob (while discussing prep school with Ursula say that he’d had to go b”because of what was going on at home”. Perhaps he did something awful to Miles?

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