Some dream of fame and fortune; others of just making a small difference in a big bad world. Me? I dream of starting a trending hashtag.
Okay, I dream of other things too. But, you know, starting a hashtag, that’s pretty spesh! Especially as I am one of those annoying past-it people who use ‘hashtag-XYZ’ as a comedy inflection to end my sentences. #that’sso2010
One of my fave spoken-hashtags (that’s defo a thing) at the mo is #blamethebaby. Why? Because babies are the best excuse for every unvacuumed carpet and social faux pas going!
Having a baby has lots and lots of difficulties, but it also has its perks. For example, my friends will attest that I am generally crap at replying to texts, emails etc. Also, I am not good at punctuality, not at all. I am always rocking up to things late. But now I have Bubs these annoying traits are looked on rather more kindly.
Before I had a baby, if I snuck into church ten minutes after the service began, walking past the pews of the faithful with my hair still damp, I would feel a little stab of shame. Now I just waltz in pushing my pram, gesturing at Bubs and rolling my eyes as if to say “kids, hey?” This is even when the only reason I’m late is that I ignored my child for twenty minutes whilst he gurgled/moaned in his cot, instead of getting up and at ’em. Or I couldn’t find my house keys. That’s a big one. But they shall never know. I am welcomed with smiles and nods. #blamethebaby (it probably helps that churches like mine get very excited at the thought of anyone under the age of 35, let alone a whole family, becoming a member of the congregation)
Also, before the dawn of parenthood if I didn’t feel like going to some social occasion or other (small talk is the WORST) I’d have to think of an actual excuse, be lame and cry off at the last minute (also the WORST) or just go, grinning and bearing it. Now, all I have to say is “sorry, we can’t get a babysitter”. #blamethebaby (Friends, this does actually happen sometimes, please don’t be offended!)
What’s more, though I definitely do about twenty times as much housework as I did B.C. (before children), some days I just can’t be arsed. The place looks like a forgotten wasteland by tea time. But it’s okay, because I have a baby now; I can’t be expected to have a spotless (or even vaguely tidy) home! #blamethebaby
Finally, if I answered the door at 11am on a weekday and was still in my pyjamas, it would be obvious that I had been a)in bed until then or b) watching TV on the sofa. Now, with my babe-in-arms, I can just say I haven’t got the chance to shower yet. Well, actually, this one is true. I used to wait for Bubs’ reliable morning nap to get myself sorted. Only now his morning naps have gone from reliable, to unreliable to existing mostly in my (waking) dreams.
Still, you get the picture. Whether we’re late, wearing dirty clothes, moody, not feeling sociable, whatever, our babies are the best excuses we’ll ever had to just do what we bloody well want. When they’ll let us, that is.
What do you blame your babes for? Is there anything you get away with now that you didn’t before becoming a parent? Tweet me at @aafew and make my hashtag dreams come true! #BlameTheBaby
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