It’s Getting Hot in Here: Why has pregnancy turned me into a human Niagara Falls?

A glistening nose doth not a lady make.

A glistening nose doth not a lady make.

Yesterday my son vommed all over himself in his (new and pretty) stroller. Nice. Luckily we were about 2 minutes from home so I ran the measly distance back. Actually, ‘ran’ is putting it generously. I shuffled along in hurried sort of a way. When I got in I took him out of the pushchair and straight upstairs to remove his saturated clothing. That’s when perspiration stations really kicked in.

As I leant over the changing mat – armed with a mountain of baby wipes and holding my breath as much as possible – actual drops on sweat be began to trickle down the side of my face. Actual drops. I had been vaguely exerting myself for the sum total of 3 minutes and I was sweating. Vigorously. I know it’s been hot recently, but this is getting ridiculous!

Now, I must admit. I’ve always been a sweaty Betty. I am not one of those women who can wear make up to the gym and finish her workout with it still looking she’s in a Max Factor ad. In fact, who are those women? I don’t think I’ve ever actually met one, they just seem to float around, not sweating and looking unfeasibly immaculate. Maybe they’re models paid by the gym and strategically placed at various pieces of equipment to make normal looking, naturally perspiring women feel bad about themselves and, therefore, hire a personal trainer. #dullestconspiracytheoryever

No, I shall never make it to the end of even a light exercise session with concealer intact. I am the girl who gives up reapplying half way through a night out dancing, safe in the knowledge that she is fighting a losing battle (though my theory is that women who look perfect at the end of the night haven’t had enough fun). I know that if I ever got very overweight I’d be one of those people who have a perpetual moustache of perspiration decorating their upper lip. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m already one of those people half of the time. Not a good look. But since my son was born it has moved to a whole other level. Since when did sweat actual drip down people’s faces? I thought that kind of crap only happened when trekking through the Amazon!

I can understand why you get so sweaty during pregnancy. You are carrying around an actual person, for goodness sake. I also hear that with breast-feeding there’s all kinds of crazy milk hormones that cause your body temperature to be slightly higher. That sounds like it could be biological fact. But my son is almost 10 months old and it’s been over six months since I’ve breastfed. So could I please have my ability to walk hurriedly for a couple of minutes with turning into a human Niagara Falls back? When I do actual exercise it gets silly. My hair gets so wet I look like I’ve been swimming! Too much information? Well, tough luck my friends, it’s the truth.

Is this just me? Do other mums have this? Is there some kind of support group I can join? Can I get armpit Botox on the NHS?

So many questions. So much sweat.

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